This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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