Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
