you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
