just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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