You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
