i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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