M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
