gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
