I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He better not be in your backpack
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
