My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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