My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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