My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
