so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We named our party play list daddy issues
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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