Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
