Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
