There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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