Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
