youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
