We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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