Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
