Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
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If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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