Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
