im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
