You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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