your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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