I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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