So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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