My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jerry, you need to find god
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
