You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
