I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
