worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
