i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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