I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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