just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
