I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
