My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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