I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
