I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
