I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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