Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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