life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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