We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
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Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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