I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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