I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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