He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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