Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
