Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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