i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
