I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
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I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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