just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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