God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
