Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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