Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He keeps bees of course he's weird
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
