Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize