so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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