Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
