when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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