he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
